“10 Cool Movie Assassins Who Actually Suck At Their Jobs”
If the Assassin’s Creed games have proven one thing, it’s that we love a good assassin story. Some of the most iconic heroes and villains in action movies have been assassins. However, to be an assassin you need to be relatively competent. You can’t be a good assassin if you barely even manage to complete your job or if you rely on luck to get your job done. While you’d think those movie assassins, especially the ones we consider to be cool or even iconic, would be competent you would be sorely disappointed.
This article will list the 10 coolest yet most useless assassins in movies.
10 Vincent Vega – Pulp Fiction
There is no denying that Pulp Fiction is one of the most influential and iconic movies of all time. However, there is no denying that Vega is a pretty inept assassin. While he is able to kill some people, he is also prone to error and it is this incompetence that would ultimately cost him his life.
Vega is killed because he did not bring his weapon with him to the bathroom. While this would be forgivable if it was his own home, he was actually in a target’s home.
9 Oddjob – Goldfinger
While Oddjob is undoubtedly an intimidating and menacing villain with an interesting gimmick, he really isn’t a very successful assassin or henchman. Oddjob is a muscular villain with martial arts skills and hardened hands, yet he is easily defeated by a middle-aged alcoholic who knows a little bit of judo.
While Oddjob is clearly a cool character and one of the most iconic villains in cinema history, there is no denying that he clearly choked in his big moment.
8 Jango Fett – Attack Of The Clones
Poor Jango Fett. Much like his son in the Original Trilogy, Jango Fett was a character with far more bark than bite. His armor is amazing and makes him look incredibly badass, but he was undoubtedly in way over his head.
While Jango Fett may have been skilled enough to find and kill certain people, he was not skilled enough to fight against trained Jedi. That being said, Jango should have been more than aware of his own limitations and should certainly not have flown in to fight Mace Windu.
7 Sword Guy – Raiders Of The Lost Ark
It may be unfair to place the sword guy here as he was more of a nameless goon than a slick assassin. However, he seemed like he was slightly higher ranked than other goons and he was sent to kill Indy, so there is justification for his place on this list.
The sword guy is cool in the sense that he is highly skilled with his sword and would clearly be a challenge to defeat in melee combat. However, he should also know not to bring a sword to a gun fight.
6 Zam Wesell – Attack Of The Clones
Zam Wesell is another cool Star Wars character who is incredibly inept. Wesell, a shapeshifting Clawdite, was given the task of assassinating Padmé Amidala, yet was unable to do so. Wesell first attempted to kill the senator by bombing her ship, but didn’t realize that the senator was not on board the craft.
Then, Wesell made the classic mistake of getting too close to a Jedi than she should. After fleeing into a club while being chased by Obi Wan and Anakin, Wesell was too close to Obi Wan and ended up getting her arm cut off. Then, before she could give away too much information to the Jedi, Wesell was killed by Jango Fett.
5 Ray – In Bruges
While the others in this list aren’t necessarily intentional, Ray’s entire story arc is built around the fact that he isn’t a very good assassin. It is this internal struggle that Ray experiences that makes him such a compelling and entertaining character to watch.
Despite the fact that Ray accidentally killed a child, he actually seems like he is too nice a guy to actually cut it in the world of hitmen. This clearly makes him pretty bad at his job.
4 Boba Fett – Empire Strikes Back/ Return Of The Jedi
Like father like son. When we were first introduced to Boba Fett, he seemed to be like one of the coolest characters in Star Wars. Fans were expecting so much from the character, yet Boba Fett would not live up to these high expectations. Boba Fett would meet his (apparent) end after flying too close to Luke Skywalker, getting his gun sliced in half, before then being launched into the Sarlacc Pit by a blind Han Solo.
While Boba Fett may be more competent in the extended universe material, in the movies he is undoubtedly incompetent and it is such a shame.
3 Templar Assassins – Kingdom Of Heaven
Kingdom of Heaven is one of Ridley Scott’s most underrated movies. While the theatrical release was butchered in the editing room, the director’s cut was an incredible three-hour-long epic that is certainly a must-see for those with the time and interest.
However, the movie features on this list due to the three shockingly bad assassins sent to kill Balian, Orlando Bloom. An unarmed Balian is sat against a tree as three armed and armored men approach him, yet they are all defeated by Orlando Bloom.
2 Zao – Die Another Day
Rick Yune’s Zao could have been so good, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Rick Yune is a fantastic actor and could have easily been a fantastic Bond villain, however, the script for the infamous Die Another Day was simply too restrictive.
Due to this, Zao was unable to actually do anything of note in the movie. Despite being an international assassin and terrorist with a terrifying reputation, he barely made Bond or Jynx sweat in the entire movie.
1 Darth Maul – Phantom Menace
This entry will undoubtedly be a controversial entry, but it is not without its justification. While it is true that Darth Maul could defeat a Jedi Knight in Qui Gon Jin, he is also incredibly arrogant and this led to his eventual defeat. After defeating a Jedi Knight, Darth Maul simply had to defeat his Padawan, an individual who Maul should have vastly outclassed.
At first, it appeared like he was going to easily beat Obi Wan Kenobi, the Sith had the fabled high-ground and the Jedi Padawan was dangling over a bottomless pit. Yet, the Sith’s arrogance led Obi Wan to eventually defeat Darth Maul. Despite the fact that Maul would survive this encounter, it doesn’t cover up his awful job.
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