{"id":130766,"date":"2020-12-11T03:20:39","date_gmt":"2020-12-11T00:20:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/en.buradabiliyorum.com\/my-stepfather-lies-about-his-drinking-i-helped-him-buy-a-home-after-his-divorce-now-he-wants-me-to-pay-for-it-when-is-enough-enough\/"},"modified":"2020-12-11T03:20:39","modified_gmt":"2020-12-11T00:20:39","slug":"my-stepfather-lies-about-his-drinking-i-helped-him-buy-a-home-after-his-divorce-now-he-wants-me-to-pay-for-it-when-is-enough-enough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/my-stepfather-lies-about-his-drinking-i-helped-him-buy-a-home-after-his-divorce-now-he-wants-me-to-pay-for-it-when-is-enough-enough\/","title":{"rendered":"#\n  My stepfather lies about his drinking. I helped him buy a home after his divorce \u2014 now he wants me to pay for it. When is enough enough?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_84 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-custom ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\" style=\"cursor:inherit\">Table of Contents<\/p>\n<label for=\"ez-toc-cssicon-toggle-item-6a22bec0dedc4\" class=\"ez-toc-cssicon-toggle-label\"><span class=\"\"><span class=\"eztoc-hide\" style=\"display:none;\">Toggle<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-icon-toggle-span\"><svg style=\"fill: #dd3333;color:#dd3333\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" class=\"list-377408\" width=\"20px\" height=\"20px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\"><path d=\"M6 6H4v2h2V6zm14 0H8v2h12V6zM4 11h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2zM4 16h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2z\" fill=\"currentColor\"><\/path><\/svg><svg style=\"fill: #dd3333;color:#dd3333\" class=\"arrow-unsorted-368013\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"10px\" height=\"10px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\"><path d=\"M18.2 9.3l-6.2-6.3-6.2 6.3c-.2.2-.3.4-.3.7s.1.5.3.7c.2.2.4.3.7.3h11c.3 0 .5-.1.7-.3.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7zM5.8 14.7l6.2 6.3 6.2-6.3c.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7c-.2-.2-.4-.3-.7-.3h-11c-.3 0-.5.1-.7.3-.2.2-.3.5-.3.7s.1.5.3.7z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><\/span><\/label><input type=\"checkbox\"  id=\"ez-toc-cssicon-toggle-item-6a22bec0dedc4\" checked aria-label=\"Toggle\" \/><nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/my-stepfather-lies-about-his-drinking-i-helped-him-buy-a-home-after-his-divorce-now-he-wants-me-to-pay-for-it-when-is-enough-enough\/#%E2%80%98He_also_had_anger-management_issues_and_I_later_discovered_that_he_was_prone_to_violence\" >\u2018He also had anger-management issues, and I later discovered that he was prone to violence.\u2019<\/a><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-4' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-4'><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-4' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-4'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/my-stepfather-lies-about-his-drinking-i-helped-him-buy-a-home-after-his-divorce-now-he-wants-me-to-pay-for-it-when-is-enough-enough\/#Quentin_Fottrell\" >Quentin Fottrell<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<p>&#8220;<strong>#<br \/>\n  My stepfather lies about his drinking. I helped him buy a home after his divorce \u2014 now he wants me to pay for it. When is enough enough?<br \/>\n<\/strong>&#8221;<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"article__subhead\" itemprop=\"alternativeHeadline\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"%E2%80%98He_also_had_anger-management_issues_and_I_later_discovered_that_he_was_prone_to_violence\"><\/span>\n  \u2018He also had anger-management issues, and I later discovered that he was prone to violence.\u2019<br \/>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><\/p>\n<div class=\"column column--full article__content\">\n<div id=\"js-article__body\" class=\"article__body article-wrap at16-col16 barrons-article-wrap\" itemprop=\"articleBody\" data-sbid=\"6336423C-3AED-11EB-B14D-F469CCF59821\">\n<div class=\"barrons-article-ad-wrapper\">\n<div data-track=\"barrons-article-ad-wrap\" class=\"barrons-article-ad sticky_item\">\n<div class=\"barrons-main-article-ad-target sticky_target body_ad\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>       <strong>Dear Moneyist,<\/strong><\/p>\n<p> My stepdad adopted me when my parents got married. I was 10. He\u2019s the only dad I\u2019ve ever really know. <\/p>\n<p>To cut a long story short: By a certain age I was cut off in many ways. He took me off his health insurance, and taught me nothing about life. <\/p>\n<div class=\"paywall\">\n       He charged me rent to live with him when I was a full-time student and added other charges. Because of that I had a hard time paying bills or making the rent. <\/p>\n<p>It got to the point where I couldn\u2019t make the rent or charges he demanded and was kicked out on the streets. <\/p>\n<p>My grandparents took me in. They helped to teach me about life, put me on health insurance, took care of me, taught me to drive, balance a checkbook, etc. <\/p>\n<p>They continued to take on the role of guardian anytime I needed help or advice into my adult years. Anytime I asked my dad for help, I was told that I was on my own. It took may years for him to even get close to me or even try to understand me. <\/p>\n<p>Years later, my mom left him. By then, her memory was gone, and she didn\u2019t recall a lot of things \u2014 including the emotional abuse toward me or his rent charges. I felt bad about the divorce. He was a financial and emotional wreck afterwards. <\/p>\n<p>He later contacted me, telling me that my mom got the house in his divorce and said my mom \u201ccould not deal with almost being close to 60 and having to live in an apartment again.\u201d <\/p>\n<p>Originally his brother, my uncle, was to sign for a new house. Later on he asked me if I would do so instead \u201cbecause that is what family does for one another.\u201d <\/p>\n<div id=\"cx-membership-tile\"><\/div>\n<p>I agreed. He promised to never miss a payment. Years later, I hardly see him. His reasons have ranged from being busy with his new fianc\u00e9e. She hates me, and her daughters are \u201cproblem children\u201d and have been in trouble with the law. <\/p>\n<p>I found out later that he had a bad drinking problem. He also had anger-management issues, and I later discovered that he was prone to violence. He talks about his fianc\u00e9e drinking in the morning but he does too. <\/p>\n<p>He lost his job but lied to me, saying that he quit because \u201cit was a toxic environment\u201d when the truth was he was caught drinking on the job. He now has a smaller income, bad health. <\/p>\n<p>He lied to me again, saying that doctors told him he was dying and there\u2019s nothing he can do when really he was told if he stopped drinking he would improved. <\/p>\n<p>Lately, he\u2019s been hinting that he can\u2019t afford the house payments anymore without some kind of help. <a href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/category\/download-scripts-themes-apps\/\" data-internallinksmanager029f6b8e52c=\"9\" title=\"Download Scripts &amp; Themes &amp; Apps\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">App<\/a>arently his fianc\u00e9e was helping, but it sounds like a struggle. <\/p>\n<p>I believe that he wants me to take care of him and help him financially with this house. The way I see it: He has done this to himself and needs to take some accountability and get some help, admit he has a problem, and sell the house and downsize. <\/p>\n<p>Am I wrong? I\u2019m confused and perplexed. A family member on that side of the family made it sound like it\u2019s my job to take care of him. Maybe it\u2019s selfish, but what about my life and my future? When is enough enough?<\/p>\n<p>Please help.<\/p>\n<p>Confused daughter<\/p>\n<p><strong><\/strong><strong>Dear Daughter,<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>When you say so.<\/p>\n<p>Enough is enough only when you have learnt what you need to learn from this relationship, so you can move on with your life. This man is your stepfather, but he is also your teacher. What is it that he can teach you? Allow me make a few suggestions. <\/p>\n<p>He can teach you that it\u2019s not selfish to put your needs first. He can teach you that his financial problems are not your responsibility. He can teach you that it\u2019s OK to have boundaries. He can teach you that other people\u2019s expectations are not your problem.<\/p>\n<p>He can teach you that you have the ability to build your own life, and be independent, despite the obstacles that he has put in your way. He can teach you about the power of forgiveness, and how understanding his failings and your own allows you to forgive.<\/p>\n<p>He can teach you that \u2014 whether or not he is your biological or stepfather \u2014 this is a family system that you can choose to participate in, or not. You do not need to be held hostage by other people. He can teach you that you can live your life on your own terms.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Moneyist:<\/strong>\u2018I lost my mom 2 months ago and I\u2019m still in a fog\u2019: My brother and his family moved into her home. They want more than half<\/p>\n<p>Until you are ready to learn the lessons that you need to learn here, the gravitational pull of this family system \u2014 and your stepfather\u2018s codependency \u2014 will continue to draw you in, and disrupt the equilibrium and peace of mind you long for in your own life.<\/p>\n<p>You didn\u2019t say how exactly you helped him buy this house. Did you help him with the deposit? Did you put your name on the deed? Is your name on the mortgage? If so, you will be responsible for paying it if he does not. He can teach you not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable in future. <\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t need my permission, your stepfather\u2019s permission or your relative\u2019s permission to live your own life, without feeling guilty about other people\u2019s choices. This is some thing that you must give to yourself. I see your letter to the Moneyist as your first step.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Quentin Fottrell is MarketWatch\u2019s Moneyist columnist. You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com<\/strong><\/em><strong>. Want to read more?<\/strong><strong>Follow Quentin Fottrell on <\/strong><a rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/Quantanamo\" class=\"icon none\">Twitter<\/a><strong>and read more of his columns <\/strong>here.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Hello there, MarketWatchers. Check out <a rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/groups\/moneyist\/\" class=\"icon none\">the Moneyist private Facebook<\/a><br \/>\n        FB,<br \/>\n        <bg-quote field=\"percentchange\" format=\"0,000.00%\" channel=\"\/zigman2\/quotes\/205064656\/composite\" class=\"negative\">-0.29%<\/bg-quote><br \/>\n      \u00a0group where we look for answers to life\u2019s thorniest money issues. Readers write in to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<div data-layout=\"inline\n              \" data-layout-mobile=\"\" class=\"\n        media-object\n        type-InsetRelatedArticles\n          inline\n  article__inset\n        article__inset--type-InsetRelatedArticles\n          article__inset--inline\n  \"><\/p><\/div>\n<div data-layout=\"\n              inline\" data-layout-mobile=\"\" class=\"\n        media-object\n        type-InsetCommentingPromo\n            \n            inline\n  article__inset\n        article__inset--type-InsetCommentingPromo\n            article__inset--inline\n  \"><\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p><\/p>\n<div class=\"byline article__byline\">\n<p>      <span>By<\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"author  hasMenu\" data-scrim='{\"type\":\"author\",\"header\":\"Quentin Fottrell\",\"subhead\":\"The Wall Street Journal\",\"list\":[]}' itemscope itemprop=\"author\" itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n<h4 itemprop=\"name\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Quentin_Fottrell\"><\/span>Quentin Fottrell<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h4>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><script async src=\"https:\/\/platform.twitter.com\/widgets.js\" charset=\"utf-8\"><\/script><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><strong><span style=\"color: #ff6600;\">If you liked the article, do not forget to share it with your friends. Follow us on\u00a0<span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><a style=\"color: #ff0000;\" href=\"https:\/\/news.google.com\/publications\/CAAqBwgKMLG0nwswvr63Aw\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\">Google News<\/a><\/span>\u00a0too, click on the star and choose us from your favorites.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<blockquote>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">For forums sites go to <span style=\"color: #ff9900;\"><a style=\"color: #ff9900;\" href=\"https:\/\/forum.buradabiliyorum.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Forum.BuradaBiliyorum.Com<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<blockquote>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>If you want to read more <a href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/category\/news\/\" data-internallinksmanager029f6b8e52c=\"2\" title=\"News\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">News<\/a> articles, you can visit our <span style=\"color: #ff9900;\"><a style=\"color: #ff9900;\" href=\"https:\/\/en.buradabiliyorum.com\/news\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">News category.<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"color: black;\"><a style=\"color: #ff9900;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.marketwatch.com\/news\/story.asp?guid=%7B6336423C-3AED-11EB-B14D-F469CCF59821%7D&#038;siteid=rss&#038;rss=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Source<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;# My stepfather lies about his drinking. I helped him buy a home after his divorce \u2014 now he wants me to pay for it. When is enough enough? &#8221; \u2018He also had anger-management issues, and I later discovered that he was prone to violence.\u2019 Dear Moneyist, My stepdad adopted me when my parents got&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":82706,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fifu_image_url":"","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[70897],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-130766","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/130766","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=130766"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/130766\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/82706"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=130766"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=130766"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=130766"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}