{"id":153600,"date":"2021-01-13T19:23:52","date_gmt":"2021-01-13T16:23:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/en.buradabiliyorum.com\/opinion-embroiled-in-a-family-feud-these-people-could-help\/"},"modified":"2021-01-13T19:23:52","modified_gmt":"2021-01-13T16:23:52","slug":"opinion-embroiled-in-a-family-feud-these-people-could-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/opinion-embroiled-in-a-family-feud-these-people-could-help\/","title":{"rendered":"#\n  Opinion: Embroiled in a family feud? These people could help"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_85 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-custom ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\" style=\"cursor:inherit\">Table of Contents<\/p>\n<label for=\"ez-toc-cssicon-toggle-item-6a41e6f9d5989\" class=\"ez-toc-cssicon-toggle-label\"><span class=\"\"><span class=\"eztoc-hide\" style=\"display:none;\">Toggle<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-icon-toggle-span\"><svg style=\"fill: #dd3333;color:#dd3333\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" class=\"list-377408\" width=\"20px\" height=\"20px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\"><path d=\"M6 6H4v2h2V6zm14 0H8v2h12V6zM4 11h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2zM4 16h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2z\" fill=\"currentColor\"><\/path><\/svg><svg style=\"fill: #dd3333;color:#dd3333\" class=\"arrow-unsorted-368013\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"10px\" height=\"10px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\"><path d=\"M18.2 9.3l-6.2-6.3-6.2 6.3c-.2.2-.3.4-.3.7s.1.5.3.7c.2.2.4.3.7.3h11c.3 0 .5-.1.7-.3.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7zM5.8 14.7l6.2 6.3 6.2-6.3c.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7c-.2-.2-.4-.3-.7-.3h-11c-.3 0-.5.1-.7.3-.2.2-.3.5-.3.7s.1.5.3.7z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><\/span><\/label><input type=\"checkbox\"  id=\"ez-toc-cssicon-toggle-item-6a41e6f9d5989\" checked aria-label=\"Toggle\" \/><nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/opinion-embroiled-in-a-family-feud-these-people-could-help\/#How_to_restore_the_peace_when_siblings_bicker_over_their_aging_parents_care_%E2%80%94_and_money\" >How to restore the peace when siblings bicker over their aging parents\u2019 care \u2014 and money<\/a><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-4' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-4'><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-4' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-4'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/opinion-embroiled-in-a-family-feud-these-people-could-help\/#Morey_Stettner\" >Morey Stettner<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<p>&#8220;<strong>#<br \/>\n  Opinion: Embroiled in a family feud? These people could help<br \/>\n<\/strong>&#8221;<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"article__subhead\" itemprop=\"alternativeHeadline\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"How_to_restore_the_peace_when_siblings_bicker_over_their_aging_parents_care_%E2%80%94_and_money\"><\/span>\n  How to restore the peace when siblings bicker over their aging parents\u2019 care \u2014 and money<br \/>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><\/p>\n<div class=\"column column--full article__content\">\n<div id=\"js-article__body\" class=\"article__body article-wrap at16-col16 barrons-article-wrap\" itemprop=\"articleBody\" data-sbid=\"97388178-55B2-11EB-A1C7-97D14DDC11D2\">\n<div class=\"barrons-article-ad-wrapper\">\n<div data-track=\"barrons-article-ad-wrap\" class=\"barrons-article-ad sticky_item\">\n<div class=\"barrons-main-article-ad-target sticky_target body_ad\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>       You get along well with your siblings. There\u2019s peace in the family most of the time.<\/p>\n<p> But when it comes to your aging parents\u2019 health care or inheritance, all hell breaks loose.<\/p>\n<div class=\"paywall\">\n<div data-layout=\"\n              \" data-layout-mobile=\"\" class=\"\n        media-object\n        type-InsetMediaVideo\n            \n            \n  article__inset\n        article__inset--type-InsetMediaVideo\n            article__inset--\n  \"><\/p>\n<figure class=\"media-object-video article__inset__video media-object-video--standard\">\n<div class=\"wsj-media-summary clearfix\">\n<div class=\"strap-container\">\n<h4 class=\"strap\" itemprop=\"description\">\n<\/h4><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div class=\"video-container article__inset__video__player\" id=\"http:\/\/www.marketwatch.com\/news\/61AD778B-C50D-4EC0-A82F-2942D613BC47\" data-src=\"http:\/\/www.marketwatch.com\/news\/61AD778B-C50D-4EC0-A82F-2942D613BC47\" data-format=\"standard\" data-esplash=\"\" data-msplash=\"\" data-suppressheadline=\"\" data-verticalstill=\"\">\n  <\/div><figcaption class=\"wsj-article-caption article__inset__video__caption\">\n          80% of older Americans can&#8217;t afford to retire &#8211; COVID-19 isn&#8217;t helping<br \/>\n        <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p>       Kind, decent people can dissolve into grabby, vengeful enemies when their parents are in decline. Brothers and sisters can turn against each other in uncharacteristically nasty ways. To address such disagreements, families might enlist an impartial outsider for help. In recent years, elder <a href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/category\/social-mediaa\/\" data-internallinksmanager029f6b8e52c=\"1\" title=\"Social Media\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">media<\/a>tors have positioned themselves to fill this role.<\/p>\n<p>Read: How climate change is ruining retirement<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe number of elder mediators seems to be growing,\u201d said Don Saposnek, a family mediator in Aptos, Calif. \u201cIt follows the demographics of more people getting old.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Saposnek has found that tensions can boil over as a family wrestles with end-of-life issues.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSiblings who always got along very well can start fighting with each other, stop talking to each other, steal jewelry or things of sentimental value and have a sense of entitlement that \u2018Dad was closer to me so I\u2019ll take his expensive tools out of the garage without telling anybody,\u2019\u201d he said. \u201cPeople act in erratic and angry ways.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When conflicts erupt, elder mediators guide families to bridge differences on matters such as caregiving, estate planning and living arrangements for an ailing parent. Siblings may also clash over how and whether to keep Mom or Dad alive.<\/p>\n<p>As a mediator, Saposnek begins by getting to know the family. He seeks to harness their individual strengths. <\/p>\n<p>\u201cUsually, a family has a distribution of skills across siblings,\u201d he said. \u201cI elicit from each of them who\u2019s tied into community resources, who\u2019s a good researcher, who\u2019s good at math or finance, who might be a nurse or doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n<div id=\"cx-membership-tile\"><\/div>\n<p>Read: So much of retirement planning is wishful thinking: What I\u2019ve learned after three years of being retired<\/p>\n<p>From there, he seeks everyone\u2019s buy-in for a designated sibling to tackle a certain task. He may draft a binding agreement that specifies the goal\u2014and how each family member will contribute his or her skills to advance everyone toward that goal\u2014and asks all parties to sign it. He then follows a structured process to guide them to solve problems.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m neutral,\u201d he said. \u201cI don\u2019t make any decisions.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yet not all mediators maintain neutrality. Some adopt a more directive role, suggesting solutions and highlighting options\u2014such as home health care resources or senior care programs\u2014for families to consider.<\/p>\n<p>There are pros and cons of both types of mediators. A neutral third party who encourages participants to gather their own information and forge their own solutions is more apt to retain credibility among all family members.<\/p>\n<p>Read: I have a seven-figure nest egg. Am I saving too much for retirement?<\/p>\n<p>But a mediator who shares eldercare knowledge can educate everyone on what\u2019s available. Sifting through at-home services, assisted-living facilities and other long-term-care models can prove overwhelming to frazzled siblings who are already emotionally raw from pondering a parent\u2019s demise.<\/p>\n<p>Nina Kohn, a professor of law at Syracuse University, notes that mediators who lack a deep understanding of community resources for senior care may be counterproductive.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDecisions can be made based on incomplete information that can lead to unintended consequences,\u201d Kohn said. \u201cThey may not be aware of all their options, how to pay for care and who provides care. This can have implications down the road\u201d such as making a parent ineligible for Medicaid benefits.<\/p>\n<p>Moreover, she warns that elder mediators risk focusing too much on siblings\u2019 views while overlooking the parent\u2019s wishes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s important to give a voice to everyone at the table,\u201d she said. \u201cOthers can gang up on an elder person. Even a person with cognitive decline has a right to make choices about their life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yet Kohn adds that an elder mediator who opens up channels of communication among family members can play a vital role.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s a lot of stress around eldercare choices and families face very difficult decisions,\u201d she said. \u201cHaving an outside third party can provide real value to help with those decisions.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>To find a good mediator, <a rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/mediate.com\/\" class=\"icon none\">Mediate.com<\/a> and the <a rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"http:\/\/www.apfmnet.org\" class=\"icon none\">Academy of Professional Family Mediators <\/a>offer online listings.<\/p>\n<p>Once you find a good mediator, the real work begins as the family confronts divergent opinions and seeks common ground. Even the best mediators cannot bring about a successful outcome if the rancor runs too hot.<\/p>\n<p>Wise families don\u2019t wait for end-of-life arguments to erupt. Instead, they convene when Mom and Dad are able to express their preferences, share inheritance plans and <a href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/category\/download-scripts-themes-apps\/\" data-internallinksmanager029f6b8e52c=\"9\" title=\"Download Scripts &amp; Themes &amp; Apps\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">app<\/a>eal to their adult children to get along and work together for everyone\u2019s benefit.<\/p>\n<div data-layout=\"\n              inline\" data-layout-mobile=\"\" class=\"\n        media-object\n        type-InsetCommentingPromo\n            \n            inline\n  article__inset\n        article__inset--type-InsetCommentingPromo\n            article__inset--inline\n  \"><\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p><\/p>\n<div class=\"byline article__byline\">\n<p>      <span>By<\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"author  hasMenu\" data-scrim='{\"type\":\"author\",\"header\":\"Morey Stettner\",\"subhead\":\"The Wall Street Journal\",\"list\":[]}' itemscope itemprop=\"author\" itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n<h4 itemprop=\"name\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Morey_Stettner\"><\/span>Morey Stettner<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h4>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<blockquote><p><strong><span style=\"color: #ff6600;\">If you liked the article, do not forget to share it with your friends. Follow us on\u00a0<span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><a style=\"color: #ff0000;\" href=\"https:\/\/news.google.com\/publications\/CAAqBwgKMLG0nwswvr63Aw\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener noreferrer\">Google News<\/a><\/span>\u00a0too, click on the star and choose us from your favorites.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<blockquote>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">For forums sites go to <span style=\"color: #ff9900;\"><a style=\"color: #ff9900;\" href=\"https:\/\/forum.buradabiliyorum.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Forum.BuradaBiliyorum.Com<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<blockquote>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>If you want to read more <a href=\"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/category\/news\/\" data-internallinksmanager029f6b8e52c=\"2\" title=\"News\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">News<\/a> articles, you can visit our <span style=\"color: #ff9900;\"><a style=\"color: #ff9900;\" href=\"https:\/\/en.buradabiliyorum.com\/news\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">News category.<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"color: black;\"><a style=\"color: #ff9900;\" href=\"http:\/\/www.marketwatch.com\/news\/story.asp?guid=%7B97388178-55B2-11EB-A1C7-97D14DDC11D2%7D&#038;siteid=rss&#038;rss=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Source<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;# Opinion: Embroiled in a family feud? These people could help &#8221; How to restore the peace when siblings bicker over their aging parents\u2019 care \u2014 and money You get along well with your siblings. There\u2019s peace in the family most of the time. But when it comes to your aging parents\u2019 health care or&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":153601,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fifu_image_url":"","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[70897],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-153600","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/153600","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=153600"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/153600\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/153601"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=153600"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=153600"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/buradabiliyorum.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=153600"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}